Here are just some random thoughts and funny lines you might find amusing. Some of these are mine and other are “borrowed” and some may be a little blue, but that’s my sense of humour - no apologies.
![I try to take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lime... & a shot of tequila.
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Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Why is it called “tourist season” if we can’t shoot them?
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If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
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I chose the road less traveled - now where the hell am I?
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Men have dirtier minds than women...'cause they don't change them as often.
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Unless you fell off the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
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My doctor told me to stop drinking & smoking. Then he told me to stop laughing.
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Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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There are two rules for success:
Never tell everything you know.
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Life's a bitch and some days it has puppies.
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Some people are such treasures that you just want to bury them.
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When people ask me why I have no tattoos I just reply - "Would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?"
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Cannibalism - the only way to know if you have good taste in friends.
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How can you tell when your girlfriend's getting fat?
She fits into your wife's clothes.
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Fishing & sex - the less you get, the more you lie.
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"I blew a trannie" means something totally different to a mechanic.
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Alcoholic? No, I prefer "drinking enthusiast".
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The doctor said I needed to start drinking more whisky. Also, I'm calling myself "the doctor" now.
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D.I.E.T. (= Did I Eat That?)
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You never know what you've got until you clean your room.
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Turns out I'm not an afternoon person either.
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I'm very good at keeping secrets cause I seldom listen to anybody.
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My life is a very complicated drinking game.
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When a woman says "Do whatever you want" do NOT do whatever you want.
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What's more awkward, the first kiss or the first fart?
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I have no words to describe my day today, but I do have a ton of obscene gestures.
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Life's a bitch but vodka makes her happy.
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I want my children to have everything I couldn't afford - and then move in with them.
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Part of me says "you can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says "Don't listen to him, he's drunk"
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I never finish anyth
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I won't let you drive me crazy. It's within walking distance.
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There's nothing really wrong with sex on television unless you fall off.
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If it can't be fixed with duct tape, you're not using enough duct tape.
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Bad spellers of the world untie.
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I only drink to calm myself really. Last night, I was so calm, I couldn't move.
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iSleepy - there's a nap for that.
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Damn right I'm good in bed. I can stay there all day!
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I tried to think of a good political joke but all the really good ones have already been elected.
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"What day is it?" asked Pooh.
"It's today." squeaked Piglet.
"Shut the fuck up." said Pooh.
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If you had to choose between your "significant other" and one million dollars, what would you buy first?
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My life is just a bunch of "it seemed like a good idea at the time’s” strung together.
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When I can't sleep, I generally like to have something to eat. I think that's called insom-nom-nom-nia.
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The principal tells me you've been suspended from school for using the "c" word. That wasn't clever, was it.
No, it was cunt.
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My resume is basically just a list of things I hated doing. :(
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Will someone feel me and tell me how old I am?
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Is it fair to throw Monopoly money to strippers with fake boobs?
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A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...& he orders a drink.
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Whoever determined that a 4cm candy bar should be considered "fun size" needs to re- evaluate their standards of entertainment.
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Voting for a president is like choosing which STD is best for you.
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If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself.
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Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until they speak.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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It's ironic that the biggest threat to life on this planet is the argument over who started it.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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I'm not stupid. I just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
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I'm not always right, but when I am, it's usually all the time.
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I'm exhaustipated - too tired to give a shit.
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I'm warning you, don't mess with me! I know judo, karate, kung fu, jujitsu and 23 other dangerous words.
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Every boy wants a good girl to be bad just for him and every girl wants a bad boy to be good just for her.
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Alcohol is not the answer. It just makes you forget the question.
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Alcohol is not the answer. It turns out though, that it is in fact a solution. Ask any pharmacist.
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Grammar- the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
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Grammar - the difference between feeling you're nuts and feeling your nuts.
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Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
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When three people have sex, it's a threesome & two people having sex is a twosome so now I see why I get called handsome.
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A kiss can make your day but anal can make your hole weak.
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If women ruled the world, there would be no wars; just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
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Typed in "my penis" as a password, but they said it was too long!
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Dear alcohol,
We had a deal. You were meant to make me smarter, funnier and a better dancer. I saw the video... we need to talk
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 15,000 times, you are the weatherman!
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I would like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather - not yelling & screaming like the passengers in his car.
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Brunch without booze is just a sad, late breakfast.
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They say a glass of wine a day is good for. This bottle is glass, right?
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If there was an award for laziness, I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me.
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If, at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.
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I've learned so much from my mistakes.... I'm thinking of making a few more.
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The awkward moment is when your sarcasm is so advanced that people actually think you're stupid.
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I was depressed last night and called Lifeline. Turned out to be a Pakistani call centre. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited & asked me if I could drive a truck! Bastards.
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Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.
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There's nothing I wouldn't do to do nothing.
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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
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Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
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Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
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I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
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There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
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I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
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Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
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How come they choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.
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When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
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Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
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Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
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Casual Friday is a great way to confirm your suspicions on who all the sluts are at work.
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Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign read: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They both started crying.
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An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.
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The doctor said my X-ray showed I had a broken rib so he fixed it with Photoshop.
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Every single morning I long to hold you. I need you, I want you, I have to have you. Your warmth, your smell, your taste. Oh, coffee I love you.
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Sometimes I question my sanity. Sometimes it replies.
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Balloons are so weird. "Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"
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I just tried to follow my dreams. Now I have multiple restraining orders.
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24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a carton.
Coincidence?
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It doesn't matter if you don't like my personality, I've got several more.
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I can never run away from my problems because my problems are procrastination and laziness.
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People tell me nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
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My therapist gave me half a glass of water and asked me I was an optimist or pessimist. I drank the glass and told him I was a problem solver.
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Ladies, if your man says he'll fix something, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
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Surprise sex is the best sex to wake up to... unless you're in prison.
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Scientist have discovered that people will believe anything when you say scientist have discovered that.
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When I was born, I was so mad at my parents, I didn't talk to them for two years.
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If we're not meant to snack late at night, then why is there a light in the fridge?
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Next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number, answer it and whisper "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"
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I like to teach my kids about taxes so I eat 30% of their ice cream.
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The divorce rate among socks is astonishing.
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I will be posting telepathically today, so if you think of something clever or funny, that was me.
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Someone called me lazy today. I almost replied.
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The only honest people in the world are small children and drunk people.
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I want my headstone to read "He died from not forwarding that email to ten people" just to freak people out.
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Wouldn't it be ironic to die in the living room?
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag to my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
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I bought a parrot and taught him to say "Help! I've been turned into a parrot"
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I like to wear a tee shirt that says "LIFE" and stand on a corner and hand out lemons.
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I like to run into a shop and ask "What year is it?" When someone answers I yell "IT WORKED!" & run out of the shop cheering.
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I put the "pro" in procrastination.
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It's easy to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and don't say it.
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If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
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Red meat is NOT bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
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If one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.
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The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.
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I'll tell you what a woman's favorite position is... C.E.O.
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I can be kind & considerate. It just depends on which of my personalities you meet that day.
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In my country, it is forbidden by law to be a criminal.
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I just took a shower. You have no idea how difficult it was sneaking that thing out of Home Depot.
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"Normal" is just a setting on a dryer.
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Beer is the reason I get up every afternoon.
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Beer - the WD40 for conversations
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Everybody needs to believe in something - I believe I'll have another whiskey.
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Hey autocorrect! Stop tampering with my curse words you mother-forklift.
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The things I hate:
1. Vandalism
2. Irony
3. Lists
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A complaint is a bit like a fart. I don't mind my own but the last thing I want is to hear you doing it.
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Please try not to be condescending. (That's when you talk down to people)
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Pizza is like sex. When it's good, it's very, very good - when its bad... it's still pretty good.
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things - like "it's time to wake up"
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There's nothing worse than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them... or that you're in their house again.
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I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
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Never yell at your kids. Lean in real close and whisper very slowly - it's much scarier.
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You can never trust an atom - they make up everything.
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Did you ever get the feeling of being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.
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When I get a headache I usually take two Panadol and keep away from children just like the packet tells me.
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I keep hitting the "escape" key, but I'm still here.
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A detective asked me where I was between 5-6. I said "kindergarten".
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I do 5 sit-ups every morning. It may not sound many but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid. I can stop any time.
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I got so much procrastinating done today!
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Passed a random blood test at work today. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
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I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went ... then it dawned on me.
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My parents told me to follow my dreams so I went back to bed.
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I'm writing a book about anti-gravity. You won't be able to put it down.
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I'm at that stage in my life where I can enjoy multiple sarcasms.
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Me? A procrastinator? I'll prove you wrong some day. Just you wait & see!
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I've owned three golden retrievers and not one has ever bought me any gold.
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I regret some of the things I said last night. I came up with way better insults this morning.
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I've started drinking coffee out of a clear mug so people will know where my tolerance level is at.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra
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Apparently churches make holy water by boiling the hell out of it.
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I have a temperamental family. Half temper, half mental.
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I was going to continue to procrastinate today, but I think I'll leave it until tomorrow.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.
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I hate banks. You walk in happy and with the world ahead of you: when you walk out - a loan forever.
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If you manufacture tabletops, are you counterproductive?
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When I'm bored I drive to a busy shopping mall, find a great parking spot and sit in the car with my reversing lights on.
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I always gave 100% at work; 13% on Monday, 22% on Tuesday, 26% on Wednesday , 35% on Thursday & 4% on Friday.
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Rules to live by:
1. Don't make fun of stupid people (they can't help it)
2. Don't be stupid (people will make fun of you)
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Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life - if I die by next Thursday.
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I asked the bank clerk if I could open a joint bank account. "OK. With whom?"
"Whoever has a lot of money."
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I woke up this morning with a huge smile on my face. Darn kids with this Sharpie markers.
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If a man is alone in the woods and no woman can hear him, is he still wrong?
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I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.
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I'm not sure if I more free time these days or I just keep forgetting things.
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My new daily workout routine consists of peanut crunches and diddly squats.
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A group of baboons is called a "congress" and vice versa.
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I'm so jealous of my parents. I'll never have kids as cool as theirs.
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I miss being the age when I thought I'd have my shit together by the time I was the age I am now.
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There are two kinds of people in this world - and I don't like them.
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I don't mind coming to work but that eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit.
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Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
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Russian dolls are just so full of themselves.
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I'm having an out-of-money experience.
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I've never been successful enough to be ashamed of my failures.
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I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
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I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
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I'm well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
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I asked the missus if she would get me a newspaper. "Don't be silly" she said. "You can use my iPad". That spider never knew what hit it.
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Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons but mostly we just hug.
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If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I'd never be bored again.
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I'm about two stomach viruses away from my goal weight.
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I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend any more.
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If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
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My personal trainer said I should burn some fat. Yay. BBQ!
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If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
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Do you ever get that feeling that you're being watched? 'Cause if it's bothering you, I'll stop.
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I just rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain.
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Sometimes, late at night, I dig a hole in the yard to keep the nosey neighbors guessing.
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If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this..."
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Tonight I'm drinking until I'm someone else's problem.
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Some days it's just not worth chewing through the straps.
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Don't worry what people might think. They don't do it very often.
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It's not drinking alone if there are screaming children outside the closet door.
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iSleepy. There's a nap for that.
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I used to think air was free - until I bought a bag of chips.
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I used to be fucking stupid, but we broke up.
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Friday is my 2nd favorite F word.
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Strange new trend at the office, people putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna salad sandwich named "Kevin".
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I used to smoke pot and then go to class. Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk & pray to God nobody asked me any questions...I was the best teacher ever.
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Wouldn't it be ironic to die in the living room?
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I want to quit all my bad habits but nobody likes a quitter.
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Tomorrow I'm going to retire and live off my savings. Not sure about the next day.
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Would you like you if you met you?
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I used to drink quite a lot... but that was hours ago.
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Here's to nipples. Without them tits would be pointless.
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According to pharmacists alcohol is a solution.
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I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up 'cause I'm still looking for ideas.
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My vocabulary is as bad as like ... whatever.
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"I'm sorry" and "My bad" mean the same thing - unless you're at a funeral.
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Time flies like an arrow - fruit flies like a banana.
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The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
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In life's journey I want a window seat with free cocktails.
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Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically for no apparent reason and they'll leave you alone.
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Sometimes, when I'm sad, I like to cut myself...a slice of cheesecake.
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Live today like it's your last, but pay your bills & wear a condom in case it isn't.
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The number of times you find a hair in your food is not nearly as scary as the number of times you don't.
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Whoever put the letter "B" in the word "subtle" deserves a pat on the back.
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It's kinda funny how as we get older we start to like things we hated as kids, like taking naps and getting spanked.
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Almost every time you go to McDonalds they say "Sorry about your weight". I bet you've never put 2 & 2 together.
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Once you've seen one large shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
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Of course I like to talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice.
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Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking crap from some arsehole.
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If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
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i before e except after c - weird!
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Bought a dog once and named him "Stay". "Come here, Stay - Fetch, Stay". He's insane now.
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If a telemarketer calls, hand the phone to your 3-year old and tell her it's Santa.
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It's just a matter of time before they add the word "syndrome" after my name.
An elderly lady approached me at the ATM and asked if I could help check her balance so I pushed her.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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The 5 symptoms of Laziness:
1.
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You made me laugh so hard, I had tears running down my leg.
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Whenever someone says to me "You look familiar. Where do I know you from?" I like to respond with "Do you watch porn?"
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Is an argument between two vegans still called a "beef"?
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Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins!
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I'm still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to Sesame St.
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When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.75 a minute.
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I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my vodkabulary.
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I used to be schizophrenic but we're fine now.
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I have no kids but I sometimes hire a babysitter anyway and say the kid is upstairs and not to be woken. On my return I ask where my child is. Hilarious.
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Friday is the beginning of my liver's work week.
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Impotence - Natures way of saying "no hard feelings"
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. "Why?" I asked. "Because you're in my damned office!" he said.
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My boss pulled up in his awesome new car today & I congratulated him on it. He said "Well, if you set goals, are determined, work really hard and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.
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Sometimes my poor life decisions look fantastic during drinking opportunities.
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If Apple made an electric car, would it have windows?
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Hey... Did you ever notice that your pincushion looks exactly like me?! Weird...
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger - then it hit me.
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Why is the winner of Miss Universe always from Earth? Rigged?!
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You'll have a whole eternity to think inside the box.
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You know you're drunk if you swerve to miss a tree then realize it's the air freshener hanging from your mirror.
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If there was an award for laziness, I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me
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Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg, you can hear them say "What the hell are you doing?"
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I can swallow two pieces of string and an hour later, they come out tied together. I shit you knot.
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Whatever you do, always give 100% - unless you're donating blood.
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Is anyone else all alone here, or is it just me?
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Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:
1.
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She said to keep the dream alive so I hit the snooze button.
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Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog
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Want to really freak out your neighbors? Name your wifi "ASIO surveillance van"
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When I die would someone please come to my funeral dressed as the grim reaper and stand in the back? Don't say anything... Just stand there.
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My relationship advice is to make sure you're the crazy one.
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Of course I'm not perfect. There's a crack in my arse.
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My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
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If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup, then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he just keeps getting better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
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Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
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I'm sick & tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me three times while carrying me out of the hotel.
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I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
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I thief broke into my house last night...He started searching for money so I searched with him.
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I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for about 17 minutes.
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I want to create a Facebook account called "no one". Then I can like people's status and it will say "no one likes this"
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I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
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I changed my car horn to gun shot sounds. People move out of my way much faster now.
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If only closed minds came with closed mouths
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I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger, hand him a briefcase and whisper "you know what to do" and then walk away.
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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
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Secret to happiness - Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
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She said "Come over, there's nobody home" so I went over. There was nobody home.
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If we're not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
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Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright...until they speak.
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Marriage is a workshop. Husband works - wife shops.
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I'm always on my best behavior. It's just that that my best isn't very good.
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Drove to the gas station and paid for $5 worth of gas. The clerk farted & gave me a receipt.
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You know you've won an argument when the other person says "Whatever"
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A clean house is a sign of no Internet connection.
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Unless your name is "Google" stop acting as if you know everything.
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When I die, will someone please go to my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper? Don't say anything. Just stand there.
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You look like I need another drink.
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If you don't do something stupid when you're young, you won't remember something funny when you're old.
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I have sexdaily. I mean dyslexia. Fcuk!
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Boobs are the proof that men can focus on two things at the same time.
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I'm at a point in my life when I find myself using the phrase "I'm at a point in my life" way too often
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They say ignorance is bliss, but how do they know?
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I should go to sleep. There's nothing else in my life I can put off for tonight.
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Some days, it feels like life sent an email with all the instructions, but it went straight to SPAM.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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I had amnesia once -- or twice.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
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What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them..
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
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How can there be self-help 'groups'?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
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Ladies, if a man says he'll fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
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I can't believe that cop put me in the back seat when I clearly called shotgun.
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After we got married, we were advised to child-proof the house, but they still got in.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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I went to the bookstore today and asked the Saleswoman “Where’s the self help section?”. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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If you try and you fail, which have you done?
~~~
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “S” in it?
~~~
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble! You have my Word.
~~~
Dear Santa. Define good.
~~~
God, please grant me patience, but for fuck sake, HURRY.
~~~
To Do List:
1. Learn to fly
2. Fly away.
~~~
It wasn't a fart. My lower intestine blew you a kiss.
~~~
If the Zombie Apocalypse happened in Vegas, would it stay in Vegas?
~~~
My wife and are now doing a work-shop. I work and she shops.
~~~
69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.
~~~
A new study has found that women with large bums live longer than men who mention it.
~~~
I tried to be good...but then I got bored.
~~~
Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
~~~
The judge said to me "you've been bought here for drinking" I said "Great, let's get started"
~~~
If you accidentally fart loudly in public, just yell "JET POWER!" and walk faster.
~~~
This morning I was bashed by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said "Can you press one?"
~~~
It may be the booze talking but I want you to know I love booze.
~~~
I live in my own little world but it's OK. They know me here.
~~~
If weed is ever completely legalised, I can't wait to see the commercials.
~~~
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is mentioned.
~~~
Of all the poop in the world, who decided that bat shit is the craziest?
~~~
Before leaving the factory, every "Tickle-Me-Elmo" doll is given two test tickles.
~~~
The first five days following the weekend are the worst.
~~~
Salad? That's what my food eats!
~~~
You drink too much, swear too much and have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
~~~
I already know that I'm going to hell. At this point, it's really go big or go home.
~~~
Good morning. I see the assassins have failed.
~~~
Partying rules:
Drink triple
See double
Act single
~~~
When I was a kid..., no, wait. I still do that.
~~~
Women wake up yawning and men wake up with an erection. Coincidence?
~~~
Beer doesn't make you fat. Beer makes you lean
...on tables...against walls...on chairs...against your dog
~~~
Those who don't know me think I'm on drugs. Those who do, think I should be.
~~~
A man was hospitalised with six plastic horses up his ass. Doctors described his condition as stable.
~~~
It's true. Alcohol kills people. But how many are born because of it?
~~~
I found a whip, a mask and some handcuffs in my wife's bedside table. I can't believe it... She's a superhero.
~~~
I'm having another out-of-money experience.
~~~
I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work.
~~~
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves - that's where I come in.
~~~
I'm not sarcastic. In just intelligent beyond your understanding.
~~~
When someone says to me "Great minds think alike" I just look at them and think "you filthy bastard!"
~~~
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning", I just sleep until noon because I'm a problem solver.
~~~
Two guys walk into a bar. Third guy ducks.
~~~
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down they all want some.
~~~
Have you ever wondered why people tend to eat ice cream, chocolate, cake or sweets if they are stressed? Stressed spelt backwards is desserts.
~~~
Engaged couples should spend some time in a place with slow internet so they understand what type of person they're about to marry.
~~~
A pregnancy test confirmed our worst fear - she was just fat!
~~~
Sometimes, you gotta hand it to short people 'cause they just can't reach it.
~~~
Money isn't everything but it keeps the kids in touch.
~~~
I can't help it if I get a boner every time I see you. I can just apologize and hope that deep down, you'll be touched by it.
~~~
Internet went down and we had to spend time together as a family. They seem like good people.
~~~
Out of all the lies I've told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
~~~
To me "Drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
~~~
I can swallow two pieces of string and a couple of hours later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.
~~~
What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish.
~~~
I like to take some spare bolts on a roller coaster so I can show them to the person in front of me & say "Dude, these just came out of your seat!"
~~~
Sunday is my super lazy day, which is like normal lazy but I wear a cape.
~~~
When I die, I want my last words to be "I left three million dollars under the..."
~~~
Monday. We need to break up. I'm seeing Saturday and dreaming about Friday. Seriously, it's not me, it's you.
~~~
My Indian name is "Runs-with-beer"
~~~
If you sell weed at an auction, is it fair to sell it to the highest bidder?
~~~
I'm not fat. I'm just easy to see.
~~~
If I didn't drink, how would my friends know that I loved them at 2am?
~~~
I hate being told what to do... unless I'm naked.
~~~
She was known as Penny cause she was two-faced, worthless and was in everyone's pants.
~~~
Apparently beer has female hormones - after heavy drinking, you can neither drive nor shut the hell up.
A FEW WORDS FROM STEVEN WRIGHT:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but tenapart1001the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is one of my long time favorites)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.
I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?" I said, "yes".
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaahhhh.."
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you
making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
"So, do you live around here often?"
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were!
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.
[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.
I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and , trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.
-- Steven Wright
Funny-Student's report cards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It is impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Betterer writing tips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
2. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
3. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
4. Avoid achaeic spellings too.
5. Do not use hyperbole. Not one in a million can do it effectively.
6. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
7. Subject and verb always has to agree.
8. Placing a comma between a subject and a predicate, is not correct.
9. Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary.
10. Use youre spellchekker to avoid misspeling and catch typographical errers.
11. Don't repeat yourself or say again what you have said before.
12. Use an apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
13. Don't never use no double negatives.
14. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
15. Hopefully you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
16. Try to be more or less specific.
17. One-word sentences. Eliminate.
18. Passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Avoid cliches like the plague. (they're old hat)
20. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
21. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
22. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
23. It is incumbent on us to avoid using archaisms.
24. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
25. Steer clear of incorrect verb forms that have snuck in the language.
26. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
27. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
28. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
29. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
30. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - resist hyperbole.
31. Employ the vernacular
32. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
33. Profanity sucks
34. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
35. Who needs rhetorical questions?
36. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Tearable puns
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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison became a small medium at large.
A bladder infection means urine trouble.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The guy who fell into the apholstery machine was totally recovered.
A backward poet writes inverse.
If you're mugged by a gang of circus performers, don't hesitate, go straight for the juggler.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A Baker's recipe is on a knead to know basis.
A man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
If a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
This years calendar's days are numbered.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts but in feudalism it's your count that votes.
A bike can't stand on its own because it's two tyred.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, it makes you in Seine.
I break into song if I can't find the right key.
Grammar Jokes
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One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill.
A student asked, “What’s the matter?”
“Tense,” answered the teacher, describing how he felt.
The student paused, then continued, “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter… ?”
“‘I’ before ‘E,’ except after C. Weird.”
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave
The number of people who confuse "to" and "too" is two damn high.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is; we don't talk about, mention, speak of, chat, discuss, chin-wag or natter about Thesaurus Club.
A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
A Question mark walks into a bar?
Two Quotation marks “walk into” a bar.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A synonym ambles into a pub.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, hoping to drink.
A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.
A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor.
A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.
Let’s eat Grandma!
Let’s eat, Grandma!
Punctuation SAVES LIVES!
Q: What do you say when you are comforting a grammar Nazi?
A: There, Their, They’re
Q: What’s another name for Santa’s elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including “y” ?
A: Unquestionably!
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
What’s the difference between white socks and red socks?
(Students will most likely answer the color)
Then you say, “yes, that’s one difference but there’s another:
The White Sox play in Chicago and the Red Sox play in Boston!
What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!”
Teacher: Maria please point to Australia on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who discovered Australia?
Class: Maria did.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
A Texan professor and an Oxford professor are chilling at a conference bar. The Texan professor, bored, looks to the Oxford professor and strikes up a conversation. “So there partner, where y’all from?” Oxford prof. replies, pushing his glasses to his nose: “Well, in reply to your query, I hail from Oxford. In addition, where I come from, we never end our sentences in a preposition.” The Texan prof. blinks once, shrugs his shoulders and drawls, “My apologies! What I mean to say is ‘where y’all from, asshole?’”
Teacher: “Josephine, give me a sentence beginning with I.”
Josephine: “I is …”
Teacher: “No, Josephine. It’s always ‘I am…’ ”
Josephine: “OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, “Name two pronouns.”
I said, “Who, me?”
Grammar - the difference between feeling you're nuts and feeling your nuts.
The redhead told her blonde sister that she had slept with a Brazilian. "Oh my God, You slut!" said the sister. "How many is a brazillian?"
(An unmatched left parentheses creates an unresolved tension that can stay with you all day
Why punctuation matters
1. Dear John
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
2. Dear John
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind and thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy - will you let me be?
Yours
Gloria
AMAZING SENTENCE
- Each word has one extra letter and it actually makes sense!
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I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting; nevertheless, extraordinary, pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability trancendentalizes intercommunication's incomprehensibleness.](Have_a_Laugh%21_files/shapeimage_3.png)
Here are just some random thoughts and funny lines you might find amusing. Some of these are mine and other are “borrowed” and some may be a little blue, but that’s my sense of humour - no apologies.